Since I woke up with the collective mental and physical steam of a sloth running team, let’s play “Put A Finger Down: Mental Health Edition” because, let’s face it, if your mental health isn’t hanging by a thread by now, you’re on better drugs than me (and you should share).
Put a finger down if:
1. You spend more than your share of shower time beneath the scalding hot spray in the hopes that the sizzle of your skin will somehow permeate the frozen tundra of your soul.
2. Your personal brand of therapy includes, “Add to cart.”
3. You’ve started more projects than you can possibly finish and you’re pretty sure your manic fit of DIY/craftmania brilliance was a definite side-effect of your rapidly deteriorating mental state.
4. Wine has become an acceptable food group.
5. You know exactly how many days you can go without washing your hair before it starts to smell like a dead rat.
6. You’ve convinced yourself that earrings can dress up the fact that you’ve been wearing the same jeans for two weeks.
7. You’ve considered styling the mountain of laundry waiting for you like Richard Dreyfuss’s mashed potato mountain on “Close Encounters Of The Third Kind” or at the very least underwear Jenga.
8. You’re addicted to TikTok.
9. You’ve started to loathe one particular inanimate object in your house for having the general audacity.
10. You’re beginning to realize adulting is a scam concept sold to kids as some kind of incentive for making their own rules someday. Except the reality is, adulting is like riding a bike. Uphill. On a flat tire. And it’s on fire.
Okay, fess up, who’s with me? Don’t be shy. On a scale of 1-10 how messed up is your mental health? Currently, I’d say I’m slipping between a moderately concerned 7 and teetering on the edge of a full-blown 9, while flirting with an epic-sized Britney-level-10 meltdown but the mental see-saw keeps me on my toes.
And creates good content.
Who am I kidding? We all need help.
Perhaps we can get a group rate. You make the call, I’ll bring the wine.
Or at the very least, the dark humor.
Kim Van Meter is a former full-time reporter for The Oakdale Leader, The Escalon Times and The Riverbank News; she continues to provide occasional columns.